Blue Christmas

I am having a very strange Christmas. I feel trapped between complete and utter chaos and calm contentment. One minute I feel that I am on track and making headway and the next, I feel like I am plummeting down a steep hill with no way to stop. A couple of days ago I felt buried by the myriad of things I needed to accomplish before Christmas. I turned the corner onto a steady course and actually felt happy, contented and glad that I will have so much time to spend with my husband. Then, K called to tell me about her problems. I felt helpless and useless in the face of them. That phone call was followed by a call from my sister - more huge problems with no answers. Still, I just felt restless. Then I began work on my scanning project. 1000's of photos to scan. I began posting them on photobucket and notifying family to go and have a look. Everyone loves looking at the photos (me included). I feel warm and fuzzy. Back to contentment. But then I began to miss my family terribly. I wish I could be with some of them at Christmas. I was soon cured of that notion by a series of phone calls, during which I recalled that some of my family cause a lot of my frustrations. I began to look forward to spending time with friends on Christmas. Then I got the phone call that K was in the hospital. Instant anxiety, frustration and uselessness. I still can't help her. She began to get better and I began to feel less stressed. On with the scanning project! Photos and letters. Letters and photos. Back in a time when communication was limited to letters, I find the most heart felt emotions and happenings. Families torn by the fact that they are separated by an ocean when wonderful or terrible things happen. How sad it is to read the out pouring of pain when someone - father, mother, sister or brother, - has died and you can not be there to say good bye or get and receive comfort. One letter I read was written by a young sailor in the British Navy. He was just searching for a pen pal to relieve his loneliness and boredom at sea during the Korean War. He had no living relatives and no permanent home. He just wanted someone out there to send pictures to, to be connected to. Isn't that what we all need sometimes? Someone outside of our own situation to connect with and talk to. Tonight is Christmas Eve and I have put scanning aside. Yet, I feel unconnected. "Is there anybody out there?" I feel frozen and practically ice encrusted. Friends will be coming over tomorrow, we will eat good food, sit by the fire, snuggle with the cats but I just feel like crying. I think I should just go to bed and let go of the over dramatic melancholia.

Christmas

What does Christmas mean to me? For some it is a religious celebration and growing up that was certainly an element. For most it is a time to cherish family & friends. This is the first Christmas that I will have - ever - that the only family I will be with on Christmas is my husband. I have spent many Christmas' that included others - some very dear to me, but there was always at least one of my children around. I have never been one to have deep meanings and traditions, I thought, around Christmas. But here I am, feeling lost. I don't quite know how to approach this holiday. We will not see our kids, nor any other family. Most of our dear friends are also in another state. We have a few old friends nearby and a few new friends, too. Nonetheless, I don't feel like putting up a tree. My husband and I are not exchanging gifts. So, what do we do? Treat it like any other day? Invite people over? What parts of our usual holiday do we keep and what parts do we get rid of? We will probably make a special meal (although not turkey). Do I try to put up decorations? It's funny but all the decorations just don't seem important without people to decorate for. I mean, I could decorate just for myself but that hardly seems festive. The cats don't care and my husband has always been extremely unsentimental about holidays. Almost scrooge like. If I invite friends, what do we do besides eat. None of the friends I have here like to watch the same movies. Some, my husband included, do not play games or cards. I will have to eat glass and then pour boiling water on my head if we have to watch the Christmas parades. I nice fire would be good. If I thought there was a snowball's chance in hell that our conversations would be real or have any substance, then we'd be set. I guess what surprises me is that I really do care. I really will miss the comfort of good friends and family. With them, we COULD do nothing, in pajamas, and it would still be good. Hmmmm. So now I must decide, "what do I want my Christmas to be?" I will have to think on this some more.