Feeling

Today is a a strange day for me. I feel both angry and sad. I have spent many years working hard to not feel. I was pretty successful at it too. The more emotion that threatened me, the more numb I became. Recently I began working on rediscovering my emotions and embracing them. Feeling them and not hiding from them. Now, I am at their mercy. I refuse to anesthetize myself again but I am having to learn again how to deal with emotion. It is mother’s day and I really miss my mom. When she died I felt lost, sad and angry. It took me some time to not feel overwhelmed but it was a little easier because I had a daughter with cancer. The need to take care of her came first. I had to be calm and be able to function. I never stopped missing her but I managed to not feel grief so much and could still think clearly. (mostly) Here it is 10 years later and I miss her just as much and feel the grief keenly. In fact, I find myself nearly consumed with grief for not only my mom, but for my sister as well. When my sister committed suicide I felt nothing. At least, that is what I told myself. But . . . fuck, I miss her too. I feel angry at myself, and everyone that ignored her when she truly needed help. Like the boy who cried wolf, she suffered.
My daughter just went through another bout of illness. It was not cancer but still, she was very ill. To her it seemed as if she might die. She had barely eaten or slept in over 7 days. Her experience at the ER left her feeling like no one would help her. She was in Denver and I was in WV. Eventually, out of sheer desperation, I flew her back to IL to see the one Dr that we knew would listen and do something. I cannot express how hard it is to sit, states away and not be able to help or comfort her and her husband. If I had actually had enough money I would have gone to IL to take care of her. But, I was lucky that good friends were there for her. Friends that took her into their home and despite their own problems, took care of her and got her to the Dr. Back here I was racked with guilt and with anxiety. Waiting for the tiniest word that she was showing any signs if improvement. Wishing that it were not so hard on her and on my friends. Wishing I could help her husband, just wishing I could help. I sat here, feeling. Those feelings, after so many years are nearly foreign. I feel angry at the medical professionals who treated her like crap, didn’t listen or do anything, and acted like she was crazy. (and at the whole school system in Denver). Feeling helpless about so many things. I know that, in reality, I can only be responsible for myself. I know that I am the only one to take care of me, and I cannot make anyone but myself do anything. That doesn’t mean I don’t grind my teeth in frustration over the injustices of the world, especially when they affect those I love. If I could, I’d get all I have to my children and my friends, to help them. But I can’t. I still have to pay bills, eat, and live. So, here I sit trying to learn the balance. How can I repay and show my gratitude? How can I support without managing someone else? How can I feel and not go crazy? What can one do with all these conflicting emotions? Oh My God! I love people so much it hurts but love just doesn’t seem like its enough.

human beings

Just a human being

today when i looked into the mirror
i saw a human being
not good or bad
not a woman or a monster
for many years when i looked
i didn’t see anything
i had vacated - i was safe
as a child i was sure
that if i looked hard enough
i could be something else
something that was safe
i could be a horse, or a bird
now i am back and
a friend told me
“when i see you, i see a human being
just like me - do you see me?”
and i did see him
there was a human being looking out of his eyes
we human beings are not perfect
we make mistakes
sometimes we hurt each other
sometimes we love each other
but now that i inhabit my flesh again
i long to see other, imperfect humans
accepting me for who i am
hoping they really see me

today when i looked into the mirror
i saw a human
just a human being

Is forgiveness divine?

I am contemplating the nature of forgiveness. What is true forgiveness? Is it when you say it? Or is it when you feel it? When someone causes you pain and/or changes your whole life, especially if that someone betrays a trust, do you ever stop feeling the pain? Certainly, forgiveness is not forgetting. Somethings you never forget. Is it loving yourself enough to love the pain-giver?
Consider Thoreau's Walden - "There is no odor so bad as that which arises from goodness tainted. It is human, it is divine, carrion. If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house with a conscious design of doing me good, I should run for my life ... No, in this case, I would rather suffer evil the natural way. A man is not a good man to me because he will feed me if I should be starving, or warm me if I should be freezing, or pull me out of a ditch if I should ever fall into one. I can find you a Newfoundland dog that will do as much. Philanthropy is not love for one's fellow-man in the broadest sense ... I never heard of a philanthropic meeting in which it was sincerely proposed to do any good to me, or the likes of me.

The Jesuits were quite balked by those Indians who, being burned at the stake, suggested new modes of torture to their tormentors. Being superior to physical suffering, it sometimes chanced that they were superior to any consolation which the missionaries could offer, and the law to do as you would be done by fell with less persuasiveness on the ears of those who, for their part, did not care how they were done by, who loved their enemies after a new fashion, and came very near freely forgiving them all they did.

Be sure that you give the poor the aid they most need, though it be your example which leaves them far behind. If you give money, spend yourself with it, and do not merely abandon it to them..." To some forgiveness (or even the awareness they done something that needs forgiving) is a alien as it was to these indians. Is forgiveness hypocritical if you benevolently forgive without meaning it? Perhaps when I see the persons as much a victim of their nature as I am, perhaps then I can pity them. But can I go the additional step and love them. Or at least love the lovable parts of them? They can't truly be all bad.

I accept that the pain inflicted on me is now a part of me but I refuse to accept that it defines me. I will not give anyone that kind of power over me. I reclaim me.

Rabbits can be eagles

I only want to help
the old woman said
the rabbit knew that
the old woman meant well
Inside the rabbit knew
she had never
never been beaten
she had never ever
been very bad so the rabbit was sure
the old woman just
meant well

It’s not your fault
the man said
the rabbit knew that
the old man had never seen
the old man did not know
only if she were very bad
did it make sense
no one could really see
if they did they would know
that she was very bad

just don’t think about it
said the little bird
the rabbit knew that
the little bird didn’t think
the rabbit knew she couldn’t
not think
anymore than she couldn’t
not breathe
she had tried but
everywhere were big reminders
too many to ignore.

Rabbit thought
i will hide and be safe
no matter where rabbit went
she still thought
and she was still bad
and she was still beaten
so what could she do

then rabbit saw the sun
it was shining bright
when rabbit looked down
into the water
rabbit saw
she saw herself
with all the scars
she saw that inside
she was not bad
when she hid herself
she was still beaten
because she
was doing the beating
inside she was good
she was part of the sunlight

the next time someone
looked at the rabbit
they saw
what rabbit saw
they saw a rabbit not hiding
they saw a bit of sunlight
they saw how beautiful
a rabbit can be.