Motivation

Some days are like being in an oarless row boat. I wake up with intentions and goals, get myself ready and in the boat . . . and then I discover that the currents have taken me out to the middle of the stream without the paddles! Nothing goes as planned and I have to either jump out and swim to shore or let the currents take me where they will. Of course, when I drift, I don't get much done except thinking. I guess, because I am not an island, I do interact with people and the world around me, there are times when plans must change. This usually does not affect me too much, I can roll with the punches. Today, I just can't get my brain to cooperate. I really don't want to jump in and start over. Maybe if I got a tow, or someone threw me a paddle I'd be able to get moving again. There are the loads of laundry waiting, the floors to be swept, the packing, and the inevitable dinner preparation. Along with a few other things these are the constant chores of the day. So, why am I sitting at my computer, surfing for info, playing pogo, blogging and drifting? I feel like there is no tomorrow. I don't mean in a morbid, apocalyptic sense. Just that my brain does not want to look beyond the moment. I would love to be sitting on Gam, fully engaged in the moment, without a thought for anything else, but reality is that I am sitting in a not too comfortable chair, unmotivated and sluggish. Randomly, I noticed that the lovely purple flowered vine by the pond has decided to decorate the neighboring tree. Maybe its time for a BLT and a coke followed by a cigarette and a swift kick in the ass.

Feeling

Today is a a strange day for me. I feel both angry and sad. I have spent many years working hard to not feel. I was pretty successful at it too. The more emotion that threatened me, the more numb I became. Recently I began working on rediscovering my emotions and embracing them. Feeling them and not hiding from them. Now, I am at their mercy. I refuse to anesthetize myself again but I am having to learn again how to deal with emotion. It is mother’s day and I really miss my mom. When she died I felt lost, sad and angry. It took me some time to not feel overwhelmed but it was a little easier because I had a daughter with cancer. The need to take care of her came first. I had to be calm and be able to function. I never stopped missing her but I managed to not feel grief so much and could still think clearly. (mostly) Here it is 10 years later and I miss her just as much and feel the grief keenly. In fact, I find myself nearly consumed with grief for not only my mom, but for my sister as well. When my sister committed suicide I felt nothing. At least, that is what I told myself. But . . . fuck, I miss her too. I feel angry at myself, and everyone that ignored her when she truly needed help. Like the boy who cried wolf, she suffered.
My daughter just went through another bout of illness. It was not cancer but still, she was very ill. To her it seemed as if she might die. She had barely eaten or slept in over 7 days. Her experience at the ER left her feeling like no one would help her. She was in Denver and I was in WV. Eventually, out of sheer desperation, I flew her back to IL to see the one Dr that we knew would listen and do something. I cannot express how hard it is to sit, states away and not be able to help or comfort her and her husband. If I had actually had enough money I would have gone to IL to take care of her. But, I was lucky that good friends were there for her. Friends that took her into their home and despite their own problems, took care of her and got her to the Dr. Back here I was racked with guilt and with anxiety. Waiting for the tiniest word that she was showing any signs if improvement. Wishing that it were not so hard on her and on my friends. Wishing I could help her husband, just wishing I could help. I sat here, feeling. Those feelings, after so many years are nearly foreign. I feel angry at the medical professionals who treated her like crap, didn’t listen or do anything, and acted like she was crazy. (and at the whole school system in Denver). Feeling helpless about so many things. I know that, in reality, I can only be responsible for myself. I know that I am the only one to take care of me, and I cannot make anyone but myself do anything. That doesn’t mean I don’t grind my teeth in frustration over the injustices of the world, especially when they affect those I love. If I could, I’d get all I have to my children and my friends, to help them. But I can’t. I still have to pay bills, eat, and live. So, here I sit trying to learn the balance. How can I repay and show my gratitude? How can I support without managing someone else? How can I feel and not go crazy? What can one do with all these conflicting emotions? Oh My God! I love people so much it hurts but love just doesn’t seem like its enough.

Morning with Mike

This morning Mike strolled majestically through the house, stomach swinging. All the while he meowed, plaintive, yet conscientiously. He checked out each individual (human and feline). Finally, he stopped in front of me and inquired about the possibility of some extra kibble. When I informed his majesty that kibble was not forthcoming, he pleaded his case. Still staring into my face as if to hypnotize me, he stretched himself up and snagged my sweatshirt. "Just a handful? Just one?" he telepathed. Much to his disappointment, I pretended to be oblivious, and, removing his talons from my front, I went on loading the dishwasher. A few minutes later, I found him in a pool of sunlight, fast asleep.

random word story

It was going to be a long trip and Charity was already tired. Planes, trains, buses more trains. She was headed out to visit her brother in India. Her mind wandered from the picturesque scenes out the train window. The sun never sets on the British Empire. “Ha!” she thought. She was somewhere in France on her way to Istanbul. There she would board a plane. She had already endured an ocean voyage from New York to Bristol, a train ride, a ferry ride and now was on her second train. Not to mention the bus ride from Memphis to New York. Something caught her attention out the window and she glanced. People on horseback. They were beautiful horses. She didn’t really notice the people but went right into thinking about the plight of horses in France. The grass quality is abominable in France and she had heard that the French keep their horses in tiny little paddocks and hardly ever turn them out. This of course, made her think about Rooster, her gelding whom she missed terribly. Her friend would take could care of Rooster but . . . I have to remember, she thought, to tell Grace to check the Rooster’s bridle. She had not oiled the leather before she left and was afraid it might dry too much and crack. She also hoped that Grace would not give him to much sugar. Grace liked to hand out the sweets a little too often. Carrots were much better for him no matter what he thinks. Anyway, she glanced north again but the riders were long gone.

A couple of rows ahead of her a small child was climbing over the seats. Her mind instantly turned him into a chimp. Yes, a chimp was preferable than a small human. At least they don’t whine. She wondered if sugar cubes would work on the slobbering thing. Charity determinably picked up her book. It was supposed to be a best seller but so far she had found it dull and predictable. She sighed deeply and wished that she had brought an ipod or something, anything, to block out the noise of the train. It was at that very moment that a rather fat man came waddling down the aisle. Shiny badge flashing on his gelatinous waist. Why put it there, she thought. Why not put it on the chest where one doesn’t have to watch it jiggle with the rolls. She noticed how he somehow made the badge the first thing you saw. (Aside from the bulk) It was like one those geeks with a fancy cell phone on his belt. As he passed by, the scent of lavender water wafted over. She could still hear the swish of his rayon pants as he hurried toward the back of the car.
Not long after his exit, the train pulled into a depot and stopped. This was not a scheduled stop and so everyone looked around nervously. Out the window Charity could see the large man gesticulating wildly as he talked with two uniformed officers. As she watched a man in khaki shorts and a hideous flowered shirt was escorted by two more officers past the red faced blob. Another followed behind carrying a large tusk. One can only speculate what this scene was all about. The blimp oozed quickly over and yanked the tusk out of the officers hands. After another heated discussion, the blimp in question re boarded the train brandishing the tusk like a well earned trophy.

Stress Management

“What,” she asked herself, “am I going to do now?”
It was just one of those days that seemed like one more straw would break the camels back. Knowing this was the state of affairs, she knew she had to act quickly or suffer the consequences. Whether it be a broken back or a broken mind, something must be done quickly. That’s when she started a list of the most outrageous things she could think of. You know, kind of like a bucket list but not lifetime goals, just sanity goals.
1. Make a raspberry smoothie (dairy free of course) and drink it while eating the most expensive dark chocolate bar available. Seeing that she was living in a town of 350 people it would only cost her about $1.50 and be made by hershey.
2. When the sun goes down, take a bubble bath in a candle lit bathroom. Have some music playing and lock the cats (and everyone else) out. Not really that outrageous but relaxing none-the-less.
3. Put your ipod on random and sing along with all the songs that come on very loudly. Especially the ones from the 70s.
4. Find some laugh out loud old movies on netflix and watch them while having as much coffee and cigarettes as you want. (Inside the house!) Hah!
5. Call up people that you haven’t talked to in a long time just to say “Hi” and maybe have some conversations.
6. Go to the Random word generator and generate 8 words. Then write a short story based on the results. http://creativitygames.net/random-word-generator/randomwords/8
a. Tusk
b. empire
c. bridle
d. trophy
e. north
f. sugar
g. chimp
h. badge
(see story in a later post)
7. Turn on the TV but put it on mute. Then watch a program and make up your own dialogue or commentary.
8. Have a glass of wine and post ridiculous things.
9. Make up nick names for all your friends and family and let them know what it is and why you chose it.
10. Buy purple nail polish and paint your toe nails.
11. Get a big coloring book and crayons. - self explanatory. Try coloring every other page in the completely wrong colors. (not as easy as it sounds) Then pick out your favorite 3 and put them on the frig.
12. Insult your pillow. Get as descriptive and creative as you can and then scream obscenities into it. Your pillow will not mind.
13. Reverse number 12 and compliment your pillow, being as creative and descriptive as you want. Tell it all thing wonderful things you could do together.
14. See how high you can stack your pennies without you or the cats knocking it down.
15. Pretend you are from another country or planet and refuse to speak in English.
16. Wear your PJ’s and sandals to Walmart at about 2 am (preferably after you’ve painted your toe nails purple). Find at least two items that do not go together and watch the cashier try to figure out what you have in mind. Example: Vaseline, peanut butter, glitter, and a spatula.
17. Look at photos and come up with clever captions.

Well, something has to work right?

Here I Sit

Here I sit
alone in the dark
not sleeping
I embrace the silence
let it flow through me
In the darkness
nothing disturbs my senses
nothing clamors for attention
nothing needs to be done
Here I sit
still as the earth beneath me
my thoughts like
a feather in the wind
gently floating and drifting
facing East where the sun rises
I see only the anticipation of light
facing West where the sun sets
I see only the memory of what was
facing North where cold resides
I see myself reflected in the ice
facing South I see where warmth
breathes in the spring
Here I sit
acknowledging that I Am