Who are these silent strangers waiting for me to know who they are?

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Get a perspective

So, here it is - Wednesday. I have been researching books all day. In the back ground I have CSI playing and a kitty in my lap. Today is one of those days when I feel like the minutes are ticking by in slow motion. I can't really say that I am distracted. It's more like my brain is simultaneously working on multiple problems and/or tasks. You know, the kind of problems that don't have solutions but you can't let go anyway. They are the kind of problems that make me feel as if there is no one on the face of the planet that I can consult or commiserate with. A real sticky wicket or two. It is too true that most people don't want to hear another's problems or emotional traumas, especially when there is no apparent solution. That only adds to the feeling of isolation. But - if I want to be brutally honest with myself (and its seems I do) I have to admit that some solutions have occurred to me but I have rejected them. In the back of my mind I hear Einstein, "Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, and expecting different results." I just keep searching myself and trying to figure out what to change. Frustratingly, I seem incapable of implementing any of the changes that I do know need to be made. That's when I ask myself "What the hell is wrong with you?!" and "Am I the author of my own defeat?" Maybe, they are not really problems anywhere but in my own mind. Does that mean that I am insane? I don't know but today I understand why someone would chose to drink and how that could lead to an on going battle with alcoholism. What's even worse, is I understand why that could seem like an acceptable trade off. Don't get me wrong, my problems shouldn't be life or death issues, - really they are not - but at times they seem to swallow me whole. From in the belly of the whale, I lose perspective.

1 comment:

  1. I hear that, completely. Maybe it's in the air just now, you know?